Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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