Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
