i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
