I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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