I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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