This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
