My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
