he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
