I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the menโs room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out Iโm married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
