I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
