Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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