I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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