I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
