Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
