I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
