She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
