is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
