call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
