I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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