How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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