Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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