Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
