Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
