Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
