EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
