Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
