Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
