My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up under a house in Key West
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