I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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