Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
