I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
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I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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