apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
