Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
