All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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