Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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