I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize