Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
