You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
