Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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