no, he came in my armpit
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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