you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
