the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
