i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Couch. On fire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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