I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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