Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
