I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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