Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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