Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
