dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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