my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ketchup is God's man juice
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
