Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
