wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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