Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
