What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
