I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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