so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
