Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
