it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
