The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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